Entirely without permission, I am going to quote a friend of a friend.  My friend was filing her nails in the car, much to the annoyance of friend’s girlfriend.  Friend’s Girlfriend then asks Her Own Friend, who was riding in the backseat, “what do you call a woman who files her nails in the car?”  HOF replied: “Considerate?”

There are some of the more femme among us who refuse to admit that long nails are a bad idea for a lesbian.  Trust me, snookums, no matter how good your intended professes to be, those nails are gonna scratch you.  In a delicate place.  I’ll wait for a minute while you clutch your vaginal area in phantom pain.

It’s a good lesbian practice to file nails before a date that could end in sex.  Or before going to bed with your partner, just in case you get lucky and there’s sex.  Really, a quick once over with an emery board will ensure that your lover’s vaginal walls remain intact. 

For the butch among us: you do not get a pass on this just because you keep your nails very short and you probably bite them.  Biting them leaves sharp edges that might hurt.  Don’t assume that just because you’ve never heard anyone gasp in pain that you’ve never hurt anyone.  Be kind and considerate and file them!  In fact, if you’re new to the nail care world, I highly recommend you take your behind to a day spa and get a “men’s manicure.”  Before you get all squicky on me, consider this:  generally speaking you get a pretty girl who gives you a hand massage and lots of times there is cleavage involved!  Get the paraffin wax thing and get buffed rather than polished.  Then, sit back and enjoy the admiring femmes.

Femmes:  If you a) love your long nails and b) really get sick of being mistaken for a straight chick, not the Lucious Femme that you are, then keep all your nails long except for the pointer and middle fingers on your right hand.  (unless you’re a lefty.)  Those are the two fingers you are most likely to use for sex and another lesbian will definitely notice the 8 long nails and 2 short!   Of course, you’ll have to come up with a reason that you’re comfortable telling the world at large as to why you have two short nails.  Not everyone is going to be able to say “The better to fuck with, my dear.”

Off to the spa with you all!