One would think that taking a shower would be something we would all learn as children but, if one thought that, one would be wrong. The Girl is actually not the inspiration for this Life Lesson. The Ex is.

We took a shower together, early on in our relationship, and I was scandalized. It wasn’t meant to be a romantic shower – it was a “we have to hurry so we’ll shower together” sort of thing. I asked her if that was what she normally did in the shower and she said it was. Well, the next morning, I took her back into the shower to show her how to do it properly.

Now, I’m telling all of you, though I can’t give every one of you a personal demonstration. Perhaps it it simply my personal obsession, but since the subtitle of this blog is “things your mama would have taught you …” I am going to step into mama mode and tell you how to properly shower. Neither gender nor gender expression allows you to escape the need to cleanse properly. One day, when you will thank me. When your butch lover marvels over the soft sensuality of your skin or when your femme lover is delighted that you’ve learned proper skin care, you will thank me.

First of all, you need to gather the needed supplies. A bar of Zest and your hands will just not do.

To begin with, there’s the question of soap. Go to the soap aisle of your local Target and you will find more kinds of soap than you ever thought possible. There are different schools of thought, so you have to decide for yourself what works for you. Do you want bar soap or liquid? Scented? Moisturizing? For sensitive skin? I am a huge fan of both Aveeno and Neutrogena Rainbath, although currently I have a St. Ives in my shower. I’m also a fan of unscented shower gel that I can mix with my perfume oil. There are unscented varieties in Target, as well as The Body Shop and various online stores. I keep meaning to try the “body wash base” from The Common Scents which is where I buy my Egyptian Musk, but I haven’t.

The second question is: with what do you wash? The acceptable answers are: a) a washcloth; b) a bath brush; c) one of those puff dealies you get a Target for $2; d) a loofah or e) a bath sponge. Please note what is not an option: running the bar of soap over your body with no washing implement. :shudders: I can’t imagine all the dead skin cells needing to be exfoliated on those of you who do *that.*

You’ll also need shampoo and conditioner. I have yet to meet anyone who argues about this with me, so I’ll go out on a limb and assume that all of you recognize that need.

Which brings me to facial cleanser. Whatever you do, do not wash your face with the same thing you use to wash your body or with your shampoo. There are all kinds of cleansers available at all price levels for all kinds of skin types. Currently, I use Mary Kay Time Wise 3-in-1 Cleanser for Combination/Oily skin but I’ve used damn near everything. A really good thing to use is Cetaphil. It’s pretty inexpensive. I used it for a makeup remover and I mix it with baking soda for a scrub in the mornings. You can actually mix baking soda with any cleanser but I wouldn’t recommend mixing it with one that is already abrasive. Mix the baking soda and cleanser as you’re going to use it because otherwise it gets gloppy.

You may also want a razor, shaving cream, toothbrush and toothpaste.

So, here’s the steps to a good shower. I do things in this order, but I imagine you can mix ‘em up to suit you.

1. Wash your hair. Rinse and put in conditioner.
2. Wash your body, using the exfoliant device of choice. Right now I use a bath puff but that’s because I lost my really good, wildly expensive bath brush in the divorce. I’ve been in a mood about it, so I haven’t bought another one. This exfoliates your skin and makes it smoother, so you should do it before you shave.
3. If you’re gonna shave, now’s the time. Use a good, sharp razor and shaving cream. Aveeno makes really good shaving cream that doesn’t smell weird.
4. Rinse everything off, rinse the conditioner out of your hair. (It’s good to rinse the conditioner off before you wash your face so that you can get any conditioner that might have gotten on your face off of it, so you’re less likely to break out.)
5. Wash your face. If you’re gonna do a scrub, wash first, then scrub.
6. If, like me, you like to dawdle in the shower, you might as well brush your teeth in there, too.

There are other things you can do in the shower. My aunt gave me some salt scrub that was pretty cool. You should do that before shaving, though. Imagine shaving, then rubbing salt into it. Yeah. You wanna avoid that.

So you get out of the shower and now what? Wrap your hair in a towel, and begin the lotioning. I am one of those nutcases you uses a different lotion for almost every body part but if you buy Aveeno lotion, you can use it everywhere. So, you’ll wanna do it in this order, though:

* If you use a serum on your face, that goes on first.
* Then face lotion.
* Then body lotion. (Really, if you’re at all acne prone, you don’t want to reverse those.)
* Then foot lotion.

Next, wrap up in a bath towel and go put whatever product use in your hair. Now you’ll wash your hands and put on hand lotion.

You are now free to do whatever else it is that you do in the morning. You have now had a proper shower. Doesn’t it feel good?