I have a gorgeous 5 and a half pound, 11 year old, Chihuahua whose name is Peggy Sue. I’ve only had Peggy Sue for 2 years and I love her. She is the tiniest little thing ever. I also happen to think she is the cutest thing ever. She’s a sweet dog, very snuggly and always wanting to be held. In the interests of full disclosure, I will admit that PS is a diva. She also has breath issues because her previous owners never bothered to clean her teeth. Now it will cost upwards of $1000 to get them cleaned and whatever extractions she might need and I cannot spend $1000 on the dog’s teeth. Oh, did I say that Peggy likes no one but me? Yeah. She has a lovely habit of barking whenever I am having sex and dancing around like a crazy dog.

I can assure you that regardless of the dog’s appearance, personal hygiene or disposition, you would be ill-advised to tell your girlfriend that her dog is ugly. You’re probably pressing your luck to tell your friends that her dog is ugly because *someone* at some point is gonna tell on you. It is the height of idiocy to come right out and say *to her face* that her dog is ugly.

Okay, first of all, there is the fact that she will be mad. She’ll probably pout and, if she is anything like me, she will tell everyone you know that you called the dog ugly. She will very likely say it in a tone of voice that leaves no doubt as to her assessment of your mental health. While I cannot find a reference to telling one’s girlfriend that her dog is ugly in “Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior”, I’m fairly certain Miss Manners would not approve. It’s just rude. It’s not as if your girlfriend can change the dog’s appearance. One could also presume that your girlfriend, at the very least, feels affection for her dog. She might even love the dog more than you, depending on how far along in the relationship you are or whether you’ve done something really stupid of late. Why would you want to hurt her feelings?

If you’re the owner of the Maligned Dog, I’d question the motives of your supposed-loved one. That Lady Valdemort (the woman who a) is now my ex and b) called my dog ugly) would say such a thing should have been my first clue that she and I were not destined to be together. I’m a Chihuaha woman, she is a demon seed who prefers Shih Tzus. It simply wasn’t meant to be.

Do yourself a favor. Either only date dogless women or resign yourself to pretending you think her dog is just as precious as she does. For the rest of your life. Even after the dog is dead, you can’t really confess you’d been lying all that time. I know, I know, all the relationship books you read will tell you never to lie. Mostly, I completely agree. Except when it comes to Peggy Sue. If you do not think she is cute, keep it to yourself. I don’t wanna know. I’m pretty sure your girlfriend wouldn’t wanna know either.

Remember: The dog is precious. The dog is sweet. The dog is {fill in whatever you can honestly say} but never, ever say the dog is ugly.