I can’t believe I’ve gone this far in Lesbian Life Lessons without discussing the Full Femme Fit.

There are rules for the Full Femme Fit. These are general rules and you can add your own, if you like. However, you can’t just call anything a Full Femme Fit. For one thing, there are Mini Femme Fits. Also, if you are not Femme, you cannot have a Full Femme Fit. I have an ex who likes to say she has Full Femme Fits. I crack up at that because she also likes to think she’s butch. Turns out, she isn’t, actually, which is probably why she and I couldn’t have possibly worked as a couple. I digress.

Requirements for a Full Femme Fit:

The haver of the Fit must be Femme.

The haver of the Fit must be so mad that she can’t contain herself. By that I mean, door-slamming, swearing, I-wanna-smack-you-but-I-won’t-cause-my-mama-raised-me-right mad. Seriously. Minorly ticked does not qualify for a Full Femme Fit.

At all times, the haver of the fit must strive for maximum drama.

The haver of the fit must cry.

The haver of the fit must hang up the phone, at least once, in a very dramatic manner, if having a Phone Full Femme Fit. Old fashioned phones work much better for this than cordless phones since with a cordless phone all you can do is press a button. Not nearly as dramatic. Or as loud.

Gasps are good. As in “Oh! I can’t believe you said such a thing to me!” Just a sharp intake of breath is all one needs for a good gasp. If we know one another IRL, or if you have my phone number, call me and I’ll give you an example of a good Full Femme Fit gasp.

If having an In Person Full Femme Fit, the haver of the fit must leave the room and slam the door at least once. If you can work in more times, that’s even better.

The haver of the fit must yell. I don’t mean yell *at* the person. No, no. That can escalate too quickly. I mean, get excited and let your voice raise a little. Not top volume. Just slightly elevated.

Calling somebody a mildly unpleasant name is okay, but no really bad ones. Except “motherfucker” which can be a term of affection as much as a pejorative.

Be demanding.

Be as dramatic as possible. (ie … Noooooooooooo ….. you CAN NOT DO this to me! You are going to ruin my life!!!!!!) Yes, both you and the recipient of this Fit know that it’s not true but still. It must be done.

You must not allow yourself to be coaxed out of the Fit too easily.

You must never, ever apologize for having had the Full Femme Fit. It’s your right, your privilege as a Femme to engage in this behavior, if you choose to do so.

Do not make relationship-threatening statements in the midst of a Fit. No threatening to leave unless you plan to do so. Then it’s not so much a Full Femme Fit as a I’m So Over You That I Am Going to Leave You Fit. A horse of a completely different color.

Now, what to do if you’re a butch or some other version of non-femme and you wanna have a fit? Stay tuned for more information!