That title ought to get me some interesting people from search engines, yes?

Women have different “rules” about when they will or won’t give or receive oral sex. For some women, if they are on their period, forget it. Others use a tampon and go for it. Others wouldn’t give oral sex to a woman who was on her period, tampon or no. To them I say, “Wuss.” But that’s a whole other post. Basically, whatever works for you, works for you. Far be it from me to say “no sex while anyone is on their period” or “no sex if it’s Lent” or “no sex if the moon is in Saturn and Mercury is in retrograde.” Y’all know me … I’m happy to give and get it whenever. Tampons were invented for a reason and an orgasm helps cramps, so that’s no excuse. I love a hot, sweaty, just-got-out-of-the-gym dyke, so that’s no reason. Hell, I don’t care if I’m at my mother’s house. If I wanna, I wanna.

I can actually only think of one hard and fast rule about when you should NEVER give your girlfriend oral sex.

The rule, which probably ought to be Lesbian Life Lesson #1 is: If you think you are going to puke at any time in the near future, DON’T DO IT!!!

I had a girlfriend once. She will remain nameless, not so much to protect her anonymity but because I don’t want her to sue me. Anyway, we went out to a club with my aunt, her partner and some friends. We had a Good Time. Ms. Girlfriend was not really a drinker but, for some reason, that night she had 5 Long Island Iced Teas and at least that many shots of Grape Pucker. (Which, for the record, is vile.) She was, to say the least, drunk.

As many drunk people are, Ms. Girlfriend was feeling amorous that night. She got more than slightly ticked off when I said “no.” Sort of belligerent in that drunk sort of way people get. She asked me why, why, why.”Because,” I say, “if you puke, the last thing I want is for you to associate my vagina with vomiting.”

Really, have you ever eaten something, then puked because you had the flu or something but were never able to eat that food again? Yeah, exactly. Don’t do it.

If there is any chance that you are drunk enough that you are going to vomit, stay away from the girl.