You would think that breaking up with someone would be something we’d all learn in high school. Do they still teach “Family Life” classes? (a total aside: I had to plan a wedding in my Family Life class in high school.) They don’t teach anything useful in high school. We should learn how to break up with someone, how to balance a checkbook, how to scramble an egg, how to change a tire. But no. We learn algebra and geometry and Beo-fucking-wulf. Anyway.

All of the following supposes that you are dating, not married. For lesbians, living together constitutes married. That then is not “breaking up,” it’s getting a divorce and there are entire books that can help you figure out how to do that.

There really is a one-size-fits-all method for breaking up with someone. Here’s how it goes.

  1. You make a date.
  2. You show up.
  3. You say, “Look, you’re really a lovely person but I do not want to be in this relationship anymore.”
  4. You listen to them carry on for a while, maybe even answer a question or two.
  5. You leave.

Here is what you do not do:

  1. You do not say everything is fine but then manage to find no time to see the person, hoping they’ll just get the idea.
  2. You do not start acting like a total jackass so that they will break up with you.
  3. You don’t give long explanations. Not necessary. The only important fact is “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.” I know there are those who will disagree with me. What good has ever come from knowing all the whys and wherefores? Does it make you feel any better to know that you’re being dumped because your girlfriend wants to study kabuki in Japan or that your laugh gets on her last nerve? Nope. If there is a reason that you think might help the person in the future, I guess you can share it. However, only do that if you’re sure you’re trying to be helpful and not hateful. Hateful is not becoming.
  4. You don’t hold hostage her things. Set a date/time to exchange personal items left at each other’s house.
  5. You don’t badmouth her to anyone. Ever. For any reason. Yes, I know that it’s tempting to tell the entire world that she has lied to you every day since the day she met you or that if you had to hear about her gastrointestinal issues one more time you were going to scream. Don’t do it. It’s so much cooler to just say “Well, Lorna is a lovely woman but just not the lovely woman for me” than to say “That fucking bitch wouldn’t know the truth if it bit her in the ass.” Really. Take my word for this.
  6. You don’t do it in a public place. One would presume that the dump-ee isn’t going to feel happy. Does she want to feel like that in *public*? No, she does not.
  7. You don’t do it at your house because then she has to drive home. Do it at her house so that there is privacy and she can be upset in peace. If you’re afraid to do it in private because of how she acts, you really ought to think about the sort of women you date.

So, there you have it. How to break up with someone. What other suggestions do you have of things to do or things not to do? Leave a comment!