When I had my hysterectomy, I kept my ovaries. They say it’s better for all manner of reasons but there is one drawback.
I still get PMS.
Some months, it’s not bad. This is not one of those months. I can’t really describe how it feels physically. The best analogy I can come up with is this: you know how you feel when you only slept for 4 or 5 hours and you’ve had 3 three-shot espressos and you haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday and it’s about 3 pm today? And how you’re all vibrate-y? Yeah. That’s kind of it.
Everything gets on my nerves. Seriously. Everything. I get annoyed that people call me to say hello. I get annoyed that it’s taking my goddamned coffee too long to make. I get annoyed that all TLC has on is Jon and fucking Kate Plus 8 (which annoys the crap out of me even when I’m not PMS, so really? Do I want to watch it when I am? No, I do not) and all that the Style channel has on is freaking Clean House and I don’t want to watch that, EITHER.
Given that I’m about to talk about her, I think you should know that The Ex reads this blog these days. She comments quite a bit, so I know she reads and she doesn’t just tell me she reads it. Anyway.
The year was 1999. The Ex and I had been living together fewer than 2 months. It was Christmas. We had just returned from My Family Christmas Debacle. (Really, I love ‘em all but pretty much individually and not collectively. Well, except the one uncle. Him I can’t stand regardless.)
The Ex had a sinus infection and I had raging, homicidal, stay-the-fuck-out-of-my-way-or-die PMS and I’d had to be appropriate with my family for hours. Hours. HOURS.
The following words actually came out of my mouth without one bit of irony:
“The Ex, if you are going to breathe that loudly, then go the fuck upstairs!”
Yes, it’s true. She got yelled at. For breathing. Today, she thinks it’s hysterical. That day? Yeah, not so much.
Fast forward about 9 years. Remember the cute Very Butch (now former) Girlfriend from the grill post? No? Okay, go back and click on the link to see the picture. I’ll wait.
Anyway, VB(nf)G was sick. She has asthma, which is worse when she’s sick. She wheezes. I had PMS. Guess what happened? Yep. I fussed at her for breathing too loudly. At least this time I managed to get a hold of myself before I sent her home or out to sleep on the sofa.
Not that long after, The Ex called while VB(nf)G was over and VB(nf)G snatched the phone right out of my mind to tell The Ex that she, too, got yelled at for breathing too loudly. They had a good chuckle out of it. Sort of a butch bonding moment.
In addition to being completely hot and totally sexy (notice the sucking up), The Ex and VB(nf)G were actually pretty great about it, even at the time. I’m pretty sure all The Ex did was go the fuck upstairs (well, after rolling her eyes at me) and VB(nf)G offered to go sleep on the sofa (but I didn’t let her.)
On the other hand, I actually did have to do some post-PMS sucking up because PMS, even homicidal PMS, is not an excuse to act like a jackass. It’s okay to be edgy and tense or whatever, but taking it out on the people around you is not okay.
How you manage not to do that depends entirely on how severe your symptoms and your own personal preferences. In 2000, I started taking a medication to manage the symptoms, which worked very well until 2008 when I stopped taking it. I don’t remember why but I’m sure I had a reason. Oh, I know. I tried various homeopathic remedies. Those work well for some women but I am not among them. I need drugs so I thank God for American pharmaceuticals. As The Ex would say, “Better living through chemistry.”
After the incident with VB(nf)GF, I started taking drugs again. Believe me, the world is a better place for it. Even on months like this one when it’s worse than usual. No one has been yelled at for breathing too loudly.
PMS isn’t “just in your head” (or your girlfriend/partner/wife’s head, if you don’t happen to be someone who gets PMS.) It can cause havoc in a girl. You don’t have to automatically go to taking drugs. There are a number of homeopathic remedies that other women have found work quite well for them. Evening primrose oil is one of them, extra magnesium and calcium, Wild Yam. I didn’t try acupuncture or chiropractic (for that) but I’ve heard that, for some women, they are really helpful. I think I’ve heard that Black Cohosh works too but I’m not sure if that’s for PMS or hotflashes. I get both. (A total aside: my dad firmly agrees with the idea that no man should live long enough to witness both his daughter’s menarche and her menopause. THAT is more hell than any one guy oughta have to deal with!)
In the meantime, it’s good to be prepared. Think about some ways you can manage the tension and stress until you get it sorted out. Like, at work, I would save in-office stuff for that week and work with my door closed. I would *not* schedule anything with my family that week because I was way too short-tempered. I tried to organize my life so that I could just be at home as much as possible. They say exercise helps but I haven’t tried that one yet. Though now that I think back on it, when I used to run, I’m pretty sure that did help. I imagine that going to a shooting range and blowing the crap out of a paper target would be therapeutic but I do not recommend actually buying a gun to anyone who gets more than moderate PMS. There is a reason for for these Tshirts!
Oh, and if you are the partner of someone who has PMS? Don’t fuck with her. It. Is. Not. Funny. (For the record, both The Ex and VB(nf)G both had better sense than to do that!) Do you get PMS? What have you done to manage it?
The Femme Fairy Godmother is the alterego of a Michigan femme who loves to give (mostly unsolicited) advice to everyone regardless of sexual orientation. Also, the FFG has an overwhelming urge to mother everyone. And by mother I mean tell you how to live your life.
8thday
September 18th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Wow. I’m a little nervous about leaving a comment – don’t want to get on any of your nerves.
I go in the other direction – inward. Sad, weepy for no reason, pathetic. See food, eat food diet. I do find that exercise helps that jittery feeling but I could easily cry over the fate of a barbell.
But I think if PMS had such a negative affect on my relationships, I would defintely go the medicated route. Or Martha would be force feeding it to me.
2momswithaplan
September 18th, 2009 at 11:50 am
I think PMS comes in 3 stages – well it does for Holly and I anyways… Stage 1 – The funk – pissed off at everyone for no reason – take things way to seriously. Stage 2 – Emotional, restless, needy! Stage 3 – Horny. When Holly and I PMS together (unfortunately this happens a lot in our relationship) – we will stay away from each other for stage 1 and most of stage 2… then we are back in action in stage 3.
Dawg
September 18th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Hottie will tell you I’m a bitch from hell during PMS. Little things annoy me easily. I don’t want to be cuddle, hugged, or even acknowledged. I want to be left alone.
This usually lasts for 24 hours.
By the end of my cycle I tend to want to rape Hottie.
So see it goes full circle.
Cheree
September 18th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I refer to it as the “Peanut M&M Effect”… Ferociously crabby, wrapped in an obnoxiously chipper coating. It’s like “I totally want to rip your face off… Isn’t that JUST AWESOME?!?” Seriously. I totally don’t get it, but that’s pretty standard for me, emotionally, during PMS. Usually it only lasts a day or two until I start bleeding. I also get randomly weepy for no apparent reason.
When SweetPea gets PMS, she gets cranky and argumentative. The problem is that it’s not uncommon for her arguments to make no rational sense. It’s ok unless I’m also PMSing. And then my brain kind of wigs out and I wonder if she actually has a death wish. Because MY irrationality is fine… Everyone else has to be totally rational. Right? Ha ha!
FemmeFairyGodmother
September 18th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
@8thDay It’s safe now! I seem to be over the worst of it.
Besides, you are so sweet to me, how could I get mad at *you*? 
@2Moms Yeah, I get stage3, too. Generally, though, the whole time I’m stages 1, 2 and 3 simultaneously. I could fuck the UPS driver but she better not say anything or I’ll either yell or cry or both!
@Dawg and that’s different from every day how?
@Cheree Sweetie! Your first FFG comment! Thank you.
And I love the Peanut M & M analogy. btw, of *course* your irrationality is fine! 
pixie
September 18th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
omgoodness – i had my Hysterectomy 18 days ago – also keeping my ovaries. Ive dealt with PMS Hell for 20 plus years and i SO relate!! So far nothing homeopathic/natural has worked for me either, but Doc says now that we ripped out the uterus we will work on some low dose hormones to see if we cant get the PMS better under control! *fingers crossed*
LB_Boi
September 18th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
So you’re going to hate me but this boi only has to deal with “Flow” for about 3 days — I know, my friends hate me. However, I have noticed that more recently my emotions are COMPLETELY out of whack for those 72 hours. I either cry at everything or get super pissy — I yelled at my roommate last month because he made a joke about my soda, umm yeah. It sucks because I feel like I lose control of regulating my emotions and I never know what will set me off. But I can always tell it’s coming because the 48 hours before my sex drive triples and then the day after it shoots up again…which totally sucks right now as I’m single. Boo.
Blazer
September 18th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I am one of the lucky ones that has a rather short and painless cycle. However, during the couple of days leading up I will literally cry at Hallmark commericals. My partner also seems to think that I am a bit bitchy during this time, which when pointed out to me makes me all the more bitchy. I absolutely hate falling into that stereotype of hormonal lunatic woman!
Akki
September 18th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Bad news, I believe we still cycle even without the ovaries, or at least I hope we do. I’ve got to say I have those times where I think the human race should just take off running. The finish line is somewhere out there where I can’t see, hear, smell, feel or taste you. Office door shuts, electric blanket gets turned on and murder mysteries are comforting. Then all that stops, I peak out and am glad that someone is there to receive a smile. Ahhh.