How do you know if you’re ready to be in a relationship? I’ll give you a clue: the answer is not “because I want one.”

Here are some clues:

  1. You have essentially resolved your previous relationship. If you are still harboring a grudge against or holding a torch for your ex, you ain’t ready. Now, some of us have exes who have done pretty heinous things and I’m not saying you have to feel all warm and cuddly about them. No, I just think you can’t be harboring an active grudge. I have an ex (we lived together from 1994-1997) who I am not even willing to forgive, but I don’t think about her all that frequently and I really don’t wish her any ill. I’d say it’s resolved. If I ran into her in the mall, for example, I would neither avoid her nor seek her out. I feel pretty neutral about her.

  2. You are not actively trying to resolve any issues (excuse the therapy-speak) you have. When you are trying to work out any childhood abuse, domestic violence or whatever it is, that is not the time to begin a new relationship. It’s hard enough to deal with those things without adding the stress of starting a new relationship. I’m not saying you have to be perfectly issue-free (because if that were the case, no one would ever have a relationship) but that you might want to wait to begin a new relationship until you have the energy to devote to it. Also, the more emotionally healthy you are, the healthier your relationship will be.

  3. You have a life. Being in a relationship is about sharing your lives. If you don’t have one, you can’t share it. That can lead to a power imbalance in the relationship that gives all the weight to the other person. Power imbalances do not make for a healthy relationship. Have your own friends, your own interests, your own career, your own life.

  4. You have considered the reality of having a relationship, not just the romantic parts. Are you ready to deal with someone else’s idiosyncrasies? I, for example, have a tendency to break out into random Elvis songs. (Yes, I am a now-not-so-closet Elvis fan.) I also have ADD and forget everything. I am simultaneously unobservant and the Queen of the Obvious. I am prone to fits of organization, which I then ignore. I twirl my hair. I have epic PMS. I want to do That One Thing at least three times a da.. I mean, week. I have a neurotic Chihuahua to whom I am unreasonably attached. I flat out refuse to ever, under any reason -short of TWO broken legs and possibly fractured ribs – refuse to do yardwork. I love fashion TV. I have an IQ of 134 but I am way more interested in reading fantasy than so-called literary fiction. I will correct your grammar. All of this is balanced by the fact that I am an excellent cook, I’m funny, I will take good care of you when you’re sick, your mother will adore me (even if she hates “the queers”) and all of your friends will wonder just exactly how you got such a hot woman. Also, I am modest. In any event, in addition to the good qualities you are looking for, you should consider what faults are live-with-able.

  5. You have considered your deal breakers. There has to be something about which you know you feel strongly. For example, deal breakers for me would be racism in any of its incarnations, and someone who doesn’t like dogs. If you are willing to overlook any of your dealbreakers, you are completely unready for a relationship.

  6. You can talk about sex, money and your feelings. Yes, I said your feelings. I think you don’t have to talk about them relentlessly (one of my ideas of a ring of hell) but if you can’t tell someone the most basic “When you did X, I felt Y and I would like Z” then you are not ready for a relationship. If you can’t tell your partner what you do and don’t like sexually, you are not ready for a relationship. If you can’t discuss your finances calmly (at least most of the time) and objectively, you are not ready for a relationship. Most couples fight about sex and money. To avoid fighting about them, you have to be able to talk about them. Okay, you might still fight about them, but you have a better chance of coming up with a solution if you actually discuss them. With feelings, if you don’t talk about them, they will come out sideways. Better to just talk about it. Even if you do end up having an argument, at least you’re arguing about what is really troubling you (thus leaving you with a chance at resolution) and not arguing over, say, whose turn it is to walk the dog.

    This isn’t an exhaustive list, I’m sure. How do you know that you’re ready to be in a relationship? What makes you hold off?