I discovered a new blog today. Everyone, I introduce you to Martini Cartwheels. Her version of the Honest Scrap Award made me laugh right out loud and I immediately decided to pirate her idea.

Here we go, Ten New True Things About FFG:

1. If I went on Hell’s Kitchen, I’d get booted off in no time because I would have a thing or two to say back to that ignorant, loudmouth Chef Ramsey. Could he *be* any more rude? I mean, really. I know my signature dish requires 6 cans of stuff and Bisquick. So I’m not necessarily a sophisticated cook. It’s still yummy. (For the record, Black Bean Chili with “what passes for Mexican in middle America” biscuits.)

2. I can’t sew a button on (hello? Boi job! I take my buttons *across town* to The Girl to sew on for me) so chances are good I wouldn’t last long on Project Runway either. Also, I think those models need to eat one of my biscuits (or better yet, cornbread, which calls for ¼ cup bacon fat!) so I wouldn’t even have fun looking at half naked girls before my favorite designer (Michael Kors) told me I was uninspired and made me cry. Though, I wonder … would I get to meet Seal?

3. On the other hand, I would totally kick ass on The Next Food Network TV Star! I *so* need to give up my day job and become a Food Network TV star! I always have great ideas for their challenges. One of these days, you just might see me on the Food Network. My show would be called “Quick & Cheap” or something like that.

4. Me? On Survivor? Yeah, I can see it. Without Adderall (for ADD) and Wellbutrin (for PMS) no one wants to be around me. But no Wellbutrin and no Adderall AND no shower? Yeah. Someone would die. My idea of “roughing it” is the freaking Holiday Inn.

5. I don’t have nearly enough weight to lose to be on The Biggest Loser but I would be entertaining for all y’all to watch. I am the biggest diva. Me and Jillian would either be fast friends or mortal enemies. Because really? Yell at me and there will be Hell. To. Pay.

6. If they ever do a Grown Up Version of America’s Next Top Model, I would have the most fun imaginable. I mean, who the hell cares if I win? I would have fun with the makeovers and the clothes and getting cool pictures taken by famous photogs. Plus, Tyra? I love her. She is so over the top and dramatic. I *love* her. I bet she’d love me too. If she ever does a show like Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, I’d think about applying. I wouldn’t actually do it, but I’d think about it.

7. To quote Martini Cartwheels, if I went on American Idol, the judges’ ears would bleed. On the other hand, Ellen will be on next season so maybe I could flirt my way through to Hollywood? (If you think that is even a remote possibility, you have not heard me sing.)

8. If I went on Amazing Race, who would go with me? My sense of direction sucks badly, yet I get mad if you don’t listen when I tell you to turn right already. Who wants to be subjected to that? Besides, I have to go to the bathroom every 2 hours or so. We’d lose for sure. And America would hear me say “Hey! I have to pee!” about 700,000 times. I wonder if I could take The Chihuahua?

9. There are days when I think I’d be the first to sign up for A Shot at Love: Butch Seeks Femme version. Cause you know, who wouldn’t fall hopelessly in love with me, given half a chance? (Don’t answer that.) It’s possibly the only way I’m going to get a date in the next millennium. Given where I live and all. (I promise, I really will stop whining about that. As soon as I get a girlfriend.)

10. I watch entirely too much reality TV. At least I’ve found a couple of new shows that are not reality that I like. If you haven’t seen “Big Bang Theory” you have to see it. I mean, really, how can you *not* think a show is a scream when someone says, “You are the veritable Mack Daddy”? Also, Bones. But start at the beginning. It’s a crime show but also funny.