My pal Kyle has been keeping notes so that when I end my self-imposed Woman Hiatus he can be of assistance in finding me a new gf. Motivated largely, I’m sure, by an intense desire for me to shut the fuck UP about it already and, possibly, send him more lemon poundcakes.

Then my BFF, Scintillectual, asked me what constitutes the Perfect Woman for me. I hemmed and hawed and then thought, “Fuck. If I don’t know, how will I ever know when I meet her?”

Ready?

I’m a femme. A femme who dates butches. Generally, the more butch of the butch. One ex of mine (who was having an insecure moment) said that I generally prefer my women just this side of peeing standing up. That’s not true. I prefer my women able to have figured out how to pee standing up despite being born without a penis. Stone Butch can be lovely but not necessary. Another femme friend of mine has said, “Melted stone is a femme delicacy” but I really completely dig …. being the active participant in sexual activity. There are various flavors of butch and I love them all. However, if you are not butch, please don’t ask me out. Really, it won’t work. I promise. You are not the exception.

I like the Alpha Wolf. Don’t bother me with alpha dogs. Dogs are domesticated and even so-called alphas can be dominated by a strong femme. Nope. I want the Alpha Wolf, the one who is in charge, the one who growls at me both in pleasure and in frustration. I like aggressive, I like strong. I’m a strong personality – I will have no respect for a partner who lets me “get away with” stuff. I don’t want a daddy, but someone who can stand their own. Also, Alpha Wolves are not insecure and they are not jealous but they don’t tolerate any lesser wolves sniffing around either. They make their presence known even as they enjoy watching their mate be the center of attention.

Smart is an absolute essential. Education and intelligence are not synonymous, by the way. However…. use a word I have to go look up and I’m yours. I will melt in a puddle at your feet. I love the creative use of language. I bought a book because it has “polysyllabic” in the title. Turns out, it’s one of my all time favorites. You should read it: The Polysyllabic Spree by Nick Hornby. How could I *not* get that book?

If you make me laugh? Well. Let’s just say that there is little I find sexier in the world than a smart butch who can make me laugh. Unless it’s a smart butch who can make me laugh and who recognizes just how funny *I* am.

Of course, a woman who can *do* stuff is sexy. By “do stuff” I mean put things together, fix things, get gas in my truck and deal with mechanics, not to mention deal with bats.

On a completely shallow note, I’m 5’8” barefoot, as tall as 6’ depending on what shoes I wear. I really like tall butches. At least as tall as I am. I don’t wear those heels so much anymore – but when I do, I feel decidedly unsexy if I tower over my date. I dated someone who was taller than I am and bigger than me in general and I really, really, really (did I say really?) liked that. It doesn’t happen often but it’s lovely. Although, The Ex is an inch shorter than I am and she was so Alpha that almost no one (including me) ever noticed that she wasn’t tall.

Of course, anyone I ever do end up dating has a decided advantage. They can read this blog. I pretty much tell the whole world exactly what to do to impress me and I tell my faults as well.

So when will the Woman Hiatus end? As soon as I meet a butch who makes me want to end it. And not a moment sooner.