I never actually *told* my mom I was a lesbian. She told me. Here’s how it went:
[I was getting ready to move in w/ my first girlfriend and all that crew, including Favorite Aunt. I was packing up my bathroom stuff and mom was sitting on the edge of the tub talking to me.]
Mom: Are you going to tell me why you’re moving?
Me: Well, I can’t live with you forever, Mom. They live close to the beach, I hang out with them a lot anyway and I think it will be fun.
Mom: Uh huh. And?
Me: And what? I *know* it’s an hour drive to and from work and school but it’s an hour drive from here, so I’m not worried.
Mom: I know you’re lovers. You might as well tell me.
Me: Uh. Okay.
Brilliant, right? You can totally tell I’m a writer, right? That I have made my living for the last 12 years by writing and talking? (Fund raisers have to write extremely persuasive letters to get people to give us money plus I also did major gifts, which means talking to people in person to persuade them to part with their cash and also I had to do all of the internal and external communications.)
Now, for my dad:
My parents divorced the year I graduated from high school (1985 for the inquisitive ones among you) and I hadn’t spoken to my dad since that Christmas. This was 1996.
My dad wanted to try to mend our relationship and he asked my sister to see if I’d have dinner with them. My sister said she would but she had something to tell him first because if he was going to be a jerk, then she wasn’t even going to bother to ask me.
Dad: Oh, I know, she’s married to a black guy. (My dad, while not terribly racist – given that he’s a nearly 70-year-old Southern man – is dead set against interracial marriages. Despite having a mixed race adopted child, but whatever.)
Sister: Nope, she’s a lesbian.
Dad: *blink blink*
[silence for a good 5 minutes while Dad processes that and sister enjoys his discomfort.]
Dad: Women?
Sister: That’s what lesbian generally means, Dad.
Dad: Is her girlfriend black?
Sister: Nope. [This was before the girlfriend who *was* black. This was the one I call DAB {drunk ass bitch}]
Dad: Well, alright then.
For fuck’s sakes. Only my dad. He is far less racist than I remember him being – but he’s getting older. I sometimes think the ignorant things he says are just second nature because when he talks about his time in Viet Nam, for example, he tells stories about how a black soldier saved his life and rescued him from a POW camp. His voice has nothing but admiration for that man’s courage. Also, he loves President Obama. But every now and again, the old-school southerner in him comes out.
How about y’all? What happened when you told your parents? You should go check on the comments on my last post because Kimber’s dad’s reaction is priceless.
The Femme Fairy Godmother is the alterego of a Michigan femme who loves to give (mostly unsolicited) advice to everyone regardless of sexual orientation. Also, the FFG has an overwhelming urge to mother everyone. And by mother I mean tell you how to live your life.
Kimber
October 4th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
aw shucks – you referenced me! *blush*
one day i’ll tell you about the conversation i had with my mom – years later, while trapped in a moving vehicle – about why i choose “women who look like men” (her words, not mine…but “butch” is still not in her vocabulary, and i’m okay with that)
however, my parents have been pretty great. my mom even gave T. his t-shots when we were on vacation visiting them (she’s a nurse).
she’s still struggling with the “gays having children” thing, but we’re working on that. (though it’s unlikely to happen for me personally, i *do* think it’s important to keep having the conversations) that said, i can almost *guarantee* that if i decided there were babies/kids in my future (aside from the ones already-my-size in my classes!), she’d be pleased-as-punch to be a grandma.
now if only i could find a partner who they could really get along with and *understand*… (is it crazy to want that? a stellar, smart, witty, [tall], strong, brave butch who can fit somewhat-seamlessly into my extended-Waltons-type family?)
*squishes*
~k
FemmeFairyGodmother
October 4th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
@kimber That is not AT ALL crazy! In fact, you should totally hold out for her until she shows up! Seriously. You are an amazing friend and I’m guessing also an amazing partner, sister femme. That butch would be *lucky* to get you. Remember that!
Camlin
October 4th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
They did exactly what I expected them to do:
My dad laughed. He does that at inappropriate moments, especially when he’s nervous.
My mom told me that she had always suspected I might be a lesbian. (My mom does not like to think that she doesn’t know something, so by now she’s searched her memory banks for every shred of evidence that may indicate that I was a lesbian…)
Then my mom told me that if i had come out to her twenty years ago, she would have accepted it. I laughed so hard I fell off my chair…twenty years ago one of my best friends was a gay man, and my mom accused him of trying to convert me. And told me if I did share an apartment with him (that was the plan) that she would never visit me.
Vixen
October 5th, 2009 at 11:11 am
This made me laugh. I guess of all ways, these weren’t so bad, eh?
My mom flat out asked me…. “Are you a lesbian?” lol
Billi
October 5th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I told my mom during Christmas break my first year of college. (I came back to AL from MI) She told me that I hadn’t slept with enough men (my count was 2 and I was 19 yrs old) yet and that I should give them more of a chance before making this decision. After a few months and after meeting my girlfriend, she came around. She says she should’ve known sooner because I never wanted barbie and ken, my barbies dated eachother. lol.
I told my dad a few months later, but I suppose it got to him some other way first. He said “I know already” and that was that. It’s the thing we don’t talk about.
Blazer
October 5th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Okay, I came out back in 1982. Since that time I have been in two long term relationships. The first lasted 13 years, the current is on year 14. In both cases my family knows that we share a bed in a three bedroom home that we bought together. They have refered to both my partners as their adopted daughters. Neither my current partner nor my ex are much for PDA. My family doesn’t ask specifically about our relationship but I am always advocating for gay rights. I assume that they accept that I am a lesbian but aren’t particularly comfortable talking about it. I respect that and don’t push them on it.
Then election day last year I find out that both my mother and sister voted Yes on Prop 8. I had assumed that of course they would vote against it. They wouldn’t vote on something that would target me for discrimination. I came unglued over the phone with them. I told them that we needed to have a little family meeting soon. We all spent Christmas together (including my partner who has spent every holiday with them since we’ve been together). Nothing is said, I know I am too angry to talk about it and there people other than family in attendance. A few weeks later, when I felt that I could talk without losing it, we get together. I explain why I felt so hurt and let down, and ask how could they vote to pass a law that singles me out for discrimination. What do they say? “Well, you never told us you were gay”. “We thought maybe but, you know, when you and *current partner* got together we were confused”. “Since she was married to a man when you met her, we knew she wasn’t gay”. WTF!!!!!
So, at 48 fucking years old, I came out to my mother, sister, neice, nephews. Answered questions and took on most of the blame for not telling them sooner. Better late than never I guess. By the way, they have since changed their position on Prop 8, so they will vote the correct way when there is yet another gay marriage measure on the ballot in CA.