A friend got a question on her blog that she thought I oughta answer.
Here it is:
Random question from a random reader:
what do you think about women who are lesbians, who have never dated men, but then meet a great guy and start dating him?
(ahem) Completely hypothetical, of course
Interesting question.
So what do I think? I think if she meets a great guy and finds herself attracted to him, she should date him. I know many of you will adamantly disagree with that. Or perhaps publicly you’ll agree but if you knew Random Reader personally, you’d stop being friends with her if she dated a guy. You might even stop talking to her.
You know that’s crap, right?
Sexuality is fluid. For most of us, it’s not as static as we like to think.
I had my first date with a boy when I was 15, came out when I was 20. I was unusual, I think, in that I *like* men just fine. I even liked having sex with men. I am one of the fortunate minority of women who can have a fully vaginal orgasm, so the sex was fine. (At least as long as there were condoms involved because even then semen squicked me out.) I loved my high school and college boyfriends. I just was never IN love with them. Loved them like I love my friends.
My whole world changed when I fell in love with KKQ, who was my first girlfriend. I finally *got* it. All the romance and stuff. I would get so MAD at people who would act as if there was something wrong with me loving a woman. How dare they tell me who to love?
I feel the same way about lesbians who think it’s up to them to judge a friend for the gender of the person she loves.
As a woman who dates butches, I get why this could be all kinds of problematic for a butch. I truly do. No one wants to worry that their partner is going to leave them at all, let alone for a man. At the same time, a person can’t live their life to make everyone else happy.
So, Random Reader, if you’ve met someone who makes you happy, then I say date him. You might choose to be cautious about whom you tell, just in case it doesn’t work out and you find yourself dating women again. Some of us are bitches about that stuff.
(Not so) random readers, what do you think? How would you feel about a lesbian friend – or ex – who ended up dating men? Would you stay friends with them? Or would you feel betrayed? Or both?
The Femme Fairy Godmother is the alterego of a Michigan femme who loves to give (mostly unsolicited) advice to everyone regardless of sexual orientation. Also, the FFG has an overwhelming urge to mother everyone. And by mother I mean tell you how to live your life.
JustJayde
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I know a girl who was a 100% gold star, die hard lesbian. Somehow in the blink of an eye she dumped her wife, and went straight to men? I know she is in a new romance now and I don’t dare ask who with because my mind is still trying to wrap around her 180
Who people sleep with is of no matter to me – so long as they are not sleeping with me
Andi
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:15 pm
To be Frank, or Sally… I don’t have a problem with this. I dated one of my Ex’s for a year, obviously we broke up. She actually moved to Indiana to be with her Ex (Butch) they had a relationship again for a bit, and then she moved to West Virginia where she fell in love with a man, and they have since gotten married. Granted we haven’t talked since I walked out the front door of our place, but that doesn’t mean that I have any ill feelings towards her wanting to be with someone she fell in love with, man or woman. The majority of the women I have dated/had relationships with have all been with men, nothing wrong with that. You love who you love, period.
Blazer
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:38 pm
I don’t think I would feel any differently about a friend who under this example. However, I think the dynamic in the friendship would probably change. I am don’t hate men(some of my best friends are men), but I think male partner factor would put more of a strain on things more than that customary to new female partner is the mix.
Going out together becomes awkward, will the now “straight” couple feel comfortable at your old haunts? Will the girls at said old haunt be accepting? Interesting topic.
Scintillectual
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Okay…I’m a veritable font of knowledge on this subject having just ended things with D for the SECOND time this year, thanks very much. Most everyone that knows me, or at least reads me, knows that my ex-fiance was a transman. He had a female body when we met (and was female-identified by default, having accepted that transition at his age was not in the cards) because otherwise we’d have never met. When we talked about his gender, it clicked immediately that he was male and although I had 22 years of relationships with women (exclusively) under my belt, this felt entirely natural and comfortable to me. What became uncomfortable, however, was where we fit in and how I defined myself. I said that I would eschew labels but I need an identity and I identify as lesbian although I have probably had more male sexual partners than female in my lifetime. When he asked me to change my MySpace status to Straight out of deference to his identity as a heterosexual male, it really kind of threw me for a curve. Now that we have broken up and I am dating women again, I constantly hear “How could you even be WITH ‘that person’ if you are a lesbian? Isn’t that weird for you?” Well no…not that way. What was weird was trying to find a comfortable place to be when you are viewed as a straight couple in the GLBTQ community (yeah, the T doesn’t seem to matter so much at times) and just a little off when you try to hang around CIS gendered straight couples. This was entirely tangential, my feeling? If you are attracted to someone, act on it and see what happens. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and you’ve got nothing to lose.
Jude
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Love is Love. I’m not one to judge who, what, how or even wanting to experiment.
I had lesbian sex first then I tried it with a man to see if I was missing something. I’ve been a full fledged lesbian ever since. I tried it and I didn’t like it but that’s me. You won’t lose my friendship over making that choice.
8thday
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:55 pm
I identify as bi so I don’t have an issue at all. But I do know that I would lose quite a few friends if I switched teams now.
CJ
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Excellent question. I certainly wouldn’t abandon a lesbian friend for dating a man, but I would stop to think about it a bit. Maybe that reaction stems from the fact that I used to date men up until my mid-twenties. To be honest, I can certainly find a man attractive. It’s just that I don’t want to sleep with them.
Kyle
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
I can remember being younger, more idealistic and way more black and white.. I couldn’t fathom falling for a man and felt threatened by the idea that any of my girlfriends, or even friends, would leave the lesbian tribe for the straight side.
And well, life isn’t so black and white to me now, it’s lots of shades of gray. I now believe much more in the person over the plumbing. In fact, I’m not sure how gold star I am anymore, at least in my head.
I do remember how threatened I felt at the prospect that my girlfriend would leave me for a man and remember being questioned about that, “Why would it be worse than if she left you for a woman?” I’m not sure, even now, that I have a good concise answer for that, but I remember it was true at the time. It felt worse.
Camlin
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:40 pm
One of my best friends identifies as queer but has been partnered with a man for more than 20 years. She still can’t explain how it happened. But she’s definitely not straight!
Billi
October 24th, 2009 at 11:23 am
I agree with a lot of that Scintillectual said! Dating a transman, I find myself having no place in the queer community for the most part. If we go to gay bars people think we’re a weird straight couple trying to pick someone up and we won’t even go to straight bars because I’ve always felt uncomfortable there. A lot of my friends gave me grief for dating Cole and not being a lesbian anymore. (their words, not mine) My friends that don’t know he’s trans, they think I did a total 180 and that I was never really gay.. you know, they knew I’d always find the “right man” for me. I cannot ever see myself dating a guy with a penis. It’s just not for me, but dating a transguy I can do.
I had some lesbian friends that started dating men and they stopped hanging out with us. I chalked that up to their man being uncomfortable hanging in large groups of lesbians. It didn’t mean we didn’t want the girls to hang out but they segregated themselves in order to find their place in a straight relationship, I think.
LilliGirl
October 30th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Eh, no worries here. I don’t really care who’s lovin who unless they’re lovin me. I take issue with the bigger things in life like cheating. It wouldn’t matter so much if someone left for the same or the oposite sex if they left. And i have friends that fit into all realms. Doesn’t meke me love ‘em any less.