It has been pointed out to me that I have not been writing real posts lately. According to VB(nf)GF, recipes do not count. If they were *her* favorite cookies, she’d probably complain less, but whatev.

The thing is, there are so many things that I want to talk about and they are all related and very tangled up. Untangling them so that they are coherent to you is proving to be difficult. Let’s see how I do.

I’ve been very happy lately. Sweetheart Heathen has something to do with that, but only something. It’s not everything.

Here’s the part that’s all twisty. Many of you know that I had a hugely difficult thing happen in my life nearly 4 years ago. It changed my life forever, it affected me deeply. Then, nearly 3 years ago, I got divorced. The Ex and I had been together for nearly 8 years. With both of those things, my identity was irrevocably altered. For me, both were things that truly did alter my perception of myself and of the world. I have much less faith in people, in the justice system, in humanity. I am far less optimistic and far less idealistic. I no longer recognized myself and that can be problematic, you know?

I’ve said more than once that I don’t know if “the old Barbara” will ever show up again. I’ve realized that I know the answer to that: she won’t. That is a good thing. While I will always wish that that things had turned out differently with both of those things, they didn’t. But here I am, three years later and I’m good. I really am. In some ways, I am *better* than I was before.

There were things about me that I hadn’t wanted to address but, in the wake of these events, I had to do it. I am better for it. I am calmer. I am more patient. Though it’s true that patience isn’t my strong suit, as Sweetheart Heathen recently pointed out, I am getting more patient. I feel stronger in myself, I am considerably more confident and sure of myself. I handle conflict better. I say what I freaking think even if it’s not easy.

I’m clearer about who I am and what I want. I am far more able to articulate what I want and what I don’t. I recognize that some of the things I thought I wanted were what I thought I was supposed to want. And some of the things I thought I wanted weren’t what I wanted at all.

My darling friend Kyle wrote an excellent post today about the concept of forever in a relationship. It struck a chord with me. I loved being married. I have said I want to be married again. The truth is, I don’t know that I do. It wasn’t the being married part that I loved or that I would want. It’s security. Security, my friends, you cannot get from another person. It’s internal. No matter how much you love someone, no matter how much they love you, they cannot make you secure. That is a gift you have to give yourself.

I would love to spend the rest of my life loving the same woman, sharing my life, creating our own shared life. I am far less idealistic than I used to be, though. I know that in any relationship, it’s a gamble. You might make it to forever and you might not. To use a quote whose source I don’t know and that is so used as to make it a cliché, I believe that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Each love brings you something new, makes you somehow better, brings you closest to your highest and best self even if you can’t recognize how in the midst of it all, or the midst of the end of it all.

Given that I have a new girlfriend, people ask me if I think she is The One. Hell, how do I know? We’ve known each other about a year, maybe, and been girlfriends for maybe a month. Not even a month. I have No Idea if we will ever be anything more than we are.

Here is what I know: I am enjoying finding out. I am in no hurry. I have time. We have time. Neither of us is prepared for anything more serious than what we currently are. Despite some recent changes in *her* life, that fact remains the same. I know the sort of relationship I would like to have and I will wait for it. For now? I’m having a great time with an amazing woman. That’s all I know for sure.