One way to be sure you’re in a situation that isn’t right for you is to find yourself acting in ways that aren’t who you are. I don’t mean the times when you stretch and try new things. I mean, when you find yourself thinking – or worse doing- things that are out of character for you.

I’ve been doing that.

Something happened in FairyLand that I didn’t really like. It was out of my control and I got angry. When I’m angry, the girl from da hood comes out. I want to hit people. I didn’t, actually, do what I wanted to do, which was hit someone in the face. That level of anger should have alerted me that this situation was bad for me. I am not a violent woman. I *don’t* want to hit anyone. In the moment, the fleeting moment, it might feel good, but the aftermath does not feel good.

The situation wound down, or so I thought, yet the anger persisted. New things happened, at least one other person got involved and I was so spun up that I said things that I don’t even mean. I said them because I was angry. No, that isn’t true. I wasn’t angry. I was hurt. I felt betrayed, both by the other person involved and by myself.

I won’t tell you all why I feel betrayed by her. I will tell you why I felt I betrayed my-own-self.

For a short time, for a few months, I was not true to who I am. I did not live my life the way *I* believe my life should be lived. I was judgmental and bitchy. I said things that bear no relationship to the things I value in my life. The conflict between what I believe and what I was doing left me vulnerable.

There are three quotes by which I live my life. They are:

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. – Mother Teresa

and

A woman should be two things: classy and fabulous. – Coco Chanel

and

Our thoughts are prayers. – a New Thought song.

I have forgotten that we all belong to each other, that we are all connected. I have not been classy or fabulous and I forgot that our thoughts are prayers. I acted as if what I was doing could be tightly controlled by me. I acted as if I was not connected to the others who would be affected by this situation and as if my choices didn’t affect them. It is never classy or fabulous to behave in ways that don’t align with your beliefs, still less so to lie to yourself about your behavior. To make excuses to yourself, to try to *justify* things that you *know* aren’t good for you, or good for anyone.

I have been living fully out of alignment with the way *I* think I should live my life, with the way that I normally am. I am normally peaceful and loving.

So, today, I sent a message of love to the person who hurt me, by whom I feel betrayed. I told her that I hoped she gets everything she wants, that she finds peace, and that she has a happy, healthy marriage.

I don’t really mean it. But I will keep saying it, keep praying it, until I do.