You may have noticed the lack of writing. I haven’t felt like it. I have been reading a lot and watching TV-on-DVD (Angel, Bones, Criminal Minds) and avoiding people, for the most part. No Twitter, no lunch dates with friends, none of that. Or at least not much of it.

I wish I could tell you there was some really good reason for this, but I got over the flu a long time ago and I haven’t been swamped with work. I’ve been sad. Feeling stupid and embarrassed and like, at my freaking age, I should know better. Guess why? Because of a woman. Not a new one, the same one. The one who lied to me so much and then lied to me some more. I found out about the most recent lies because of her blog. Nice, right?

After the first time, when she broke up with me, many of you asked me why I was so upset. We only dated for about three months. It wasn’t as if we had spent years together. This time, I didn’t even tell any of you (other than D) that we were talking again. That should have been my first clue. That I didn’t want to tell anyone, I mean.

The thing is, y’all, she made me feel hopeful. I hadn’t felt that in a very long time. I had started to think that I was never going to find someone with whom I could have a relationship. She made me think I had met a woman who actually *liked* me and liked spending time with me and with whom I felt comfortable and as if I could be myself, fully myself, flaws and all. I felt like I could explore the world with her and it would be fun, that I could learn how to do new things. I felt like I didn’t have to be perfect or do something perfectly. I felt like someone would love me.

You know the ending. She doesn’t. She won’t. There is nothing I can do about that. I try not to wonder what she has said about me to other people – I know she has said things that aren’t true to at least one of her friends. I know because of how the woman reacted to me, without even knowing me, without even talking to me. So her information could only have come from her friend. Who I thought was more than my lover – I thought she was my friend too. She wasn’t.

I don’t feel hopeful anymore. Oh, I’m not going to be melodramatic and say I’ll never date anyone again. I’m sure I will. I have no idea when. I only know that I don’t trust my judgment. I only know that I thought I knew her, that she told me she loved me and I believed her. Part of it is that I wanted to believe her. I was an easy target for her. That makes me sick to my stomach. I was so easy for her. I was so easily fooled, not once but twice. I still wear her stupid sweatshirts that she left at my apartment. I am still being stupid.

So what’s the lesbian life lesson that I need to learn? That when someone tells you who they are, you should believe them. They tell you with words sometimes, but they also tell you with what they do. Pay attention to how they talk about other people in their life. Pay attention to how they behave with other people. They will do the same thing to you, eventually.

Sure people can change. They do change. They have to want to, though. And you shouldn’t believe they’ve changed unless you see evidence of it. Don’t believe what they *tell* you. Only believe what they *show* you.

THAT is the life lesson I need to learn.